Many people think that they do not have close friendships and it makes them feel lonely. “Others seem to have good friends”, “I talk to a few people, but I don`t have anybody whom I am really close to.” Does it sound familiar? Well, you are not alone. Most people think the same. Don`t get me wrong, good, close friendships exist, but they are rare. Even if you have a close friend, you might not be able to share your secret thoughts and feelings. We like to seem bubbly and confident, good company and we don`t want to let the world know that we are struggling. Men find it even more difficult to open up about their feelings. Some guys seem to have an excellent social life, go to the pub or football match every week with mates… if you are one of these lucky ones… what do you talk about? Can you tell your mates about your problems at work; your anxiety or marriage troubles? Do you hide it in a joke?
We want close friendships, and we want to talk about our problems. We idealise what friendship looks like. We expect our friends to say the right things, and when they don`t, we feel disappointed. Does it sound familiar? Is it possible that we expect too much from friendships?
When you talk to your friends, you tell your story, then they tell their story, then you continue with yours… you speak, but you are not heard. Your friends have their own troubles, and they want to unload as much as you do. Chatting with others is helpful. For a little while, you might feel like a weight has lifted off your chest just by talking about your problems. But what happens when you face the same challenge again?
Talking to a therapist can help you long-term. Therapy is helpful if you have no one to talk to. It is helpful if you have friends to hang around, but not have any intimate, close relationships. It is helpful if you have no family or close friends. Therapy is helpful if you just want to find yourself and think things through. Therapy is useful to discover your inner feelings and your needs. It is useful for everybody.
In a therapy setting, you can feel safe, heard, unconditionally accepted, non-judged and supported. How is it different than just talking to your mates?
First of all, you are heard! The focus is on you. When you are talking to your friend, you take turns, you listen to your friend`s struggles. It is very nice and helpful to support each other, but the therapist concentrates on you.
Secondly, the therapist has an objective, not biased view when listening to your story; the therapist might offer you other ways of thinking than your own.
Furthermore, the therapist can assist you in uncovering meanings of your behaviour, reflecting on life experiences and how your inbuilt habits, memories and experiences shaped your current situation or life. You can discover your own relationship with yourself and the therapist can help you inspect your thoughts and find how your self-talk contributes to your feelings.
A therapist is not a substitute for a good friend! You might need both: a friend who you can have fun with and who is also caring and supportive when you face difficulties in life; and a therapist who helps you overcome the difficult times.
Andrea Szentgyorgyi
Hypnotherapist
www.urmstonhypnotherapy.com
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